The words that hurt us when we make this choice, and our loved ones do not support it.
Guilt Trip 1: “You are a traitor”
Many of you have had this. I know we did.
That person in your world who hears you plan on moving to a different country, not specifically Ireland even, and immediately pins the tag on you that you are a “traitor” for leaving South Africa.
Often this jest is covered as a joke. But trust me, it sticks in your head. It also repeats itself in your thoughts on more than one occasion.
The truth is, this is not the only thing you will find yourself contemplating.
The real guilt
You will feel guilt at some point because you are leaving South Africa. But not because you are a traitor. People will ask you how South Africa can ever become better if everyone leaves. They will say you should stay and fight the good fight. You will be made to feel like you are abandoning the people you love.
It is important to remember that there is no war you are absconding from.
This was something I had to tell myself on several occasions. How is staying making it better for our children? By staying, I felt we were doing our children a big injustice. When my children grow up, I want them to know that as parents we meant it when we said we would do whatever we were capable of to give them the best future we possibly could.
That includes leaving a life we know and love, so they have the best chance of a secure future. The chance of building a life without built-in fear and hyper-alertness, because something as simple as stopping at a robot (it still feels strange not saying “traffic light” but five years away will do that to you) can cost you your car. Or even worse, your life.
Why people say these things
One also has to remember that often the people who make these statements are the ones who don’t have a chance to leave.
They need to safeguard their own emotions about that fact, and the only way they can do that is by making themselves feel that staying is a duty they are fulfilling. It has nothing to do with you leaving. Often they have nothing but envy that you are. But you know how it goes. If you acknowledge that you are stuck in a less desirable position, rather than making it a choice of honour, you are really left with nothing but sadness. It is human nature to avoid that.
Remember that. Remember it when you look at your children.
The 10-year calculation
Here is how I processed it in my mind.
Let’s say it takes 10 years for South Africa to make an about-turn and start healing. How long will it take after that for her to be complete again?
What is 10 years? Well. It is the difference between being a 6-year-old and a 16-year-old. It is almost the entire duration of a school education.
I was not willing to take the chance. In the hypothetical 10 years, I would have gambled with their entire education. The unknown was a better option for me, because at least our children would have a genuine chance at a prosperous future.
And besides…
My vote counts just as much here as it does in South Africa. I make sure I use my voice that way. By being here, we are also able to financially support people in South Africa, which we were not able to do while living there, where every day brought its own challenges.
Life in Ireland has its own challenges. But let’s be honest: the chances of making it through every day are much higher. Even just from the point of view that you are not on 24/7 high alert and can actually sleep without worrying about burglars. Or mosquito bites.
Your doing the best you have the ability to do for your children does not make you a traitor. In fact, imagine the alternative. You stay. One day your children blame you because you had the opportunity to give them a better life, but you chose to stay because you did not want to upset your uncle.
Guilt Trip 2: The guilt of leaving loved ones behind
I am not going to lie. This one is kak. And there really isn’t a hell of a lot you can do about it.
You love people in your life. Family, friends, that friendly aunt at church. We can’t bring them all with us. And in order for you to be here, you have to leave. When you leave and they can’t come with you, you have to leave them behind.
When you see them again, everything will be slightly different. Their lives have had to go on without you in them. Just like yours has had to adapt to doing everything without them. New friendships will form. When you visit, your best friend will have another best friend.
Remember to just be happy for them. You want them to be happy for the things going well in your life. Don’t be jealous about the things going well in theirs.
Some people will fade, and that is okay
We chose to leave. That inevitably means some of the people you were close to may pass away, move away, or just quietly fade from your life because of time differences and busy schedules.
Don’t feel guilty about this.
This would have happened even if you had moved to another town or province. It has nothing to do with moving country and everything to do with life. Just like you aren’t close to everyone you knew in primary school, but you are still close to some. Same thing. Except now you are a big boy or girl, and you can deal with this better.
The way you connect will be different. But nothing stops the connection.
I speak to my mother every day now. I didn’t before we left. Strangely, this move has made us closer than we were before. And that just shows that there is no need to feel guilty.
Guilt Trip 3: You are happy
This one is a strange one.
In the beginning, you will post a gazillion pictures to show everyone back home that you made the right move. You will tag the world. You will check in everywhere.
Then one day, you come to realise that you are becoming settled in your new life. And that is when you may find yourself sort of sabotaging your own happiness.
The guilt of thriving
You see how things are not getting better in South Africa. You feel guilty because your life now leaves very little to complain about. But you don’t want to go on about how happy you are. Because by now, the uncle who called you a traitor has asked for help looking into ways to move over himself. Several people you know have lost their jobs.
It might be something as simple as enjoying a glass of wine during lockdown, and knowing your loved ones in SA can’t.
So you stop posting pictures of everything. You don’t want them to feel unhappy about lives they can’t change. But this stops you from appreciating the things that make this move worth it.
Let yourself celebrate
For me, it comes down to this.
You took the gamble. It paid off. You can celebrate this without being smug about it. But do celebrate it.
Give your children a high-five after walking home from school. Then give yourself a high-five for not having to stress while you did. This is why you made the move. You did this so you could do these things. By not acknowledging them, you take away the hugeness of what you did.
You gave up your security blanket and you chose to take the prize behind door number three.
Don’t feel guilty.
One day, when your children don’t know what it feels like to stand at a traffic light looking out for possible hijackers, it will all have been worth it. And them not knowing that feeling is nothing for you to feel guilty about.
Since writing this, Vicky’s Mom has joined them in Ireland and they have a large number of family members living near them
Further reading: Managing Your Expectations: A Love Letter to Reality
