Written for SA2Eire by a Member
You sit down with your partner or husband and decide to do the unthinkable. The big move. The move that is going to change your life, their life, the life of your kids, and the lives of your friends and family you leave behind.
You make it over to Ireland during COVID-19. You get through the good days. The tears. The heartache. The unknown.
Within three months, you have a job, a bank account, secured rental, utility bills set up, a PPS number, child benefits, and even a temporary Stamp 4 EU Fam if you are an EU family member.
On paper, you have done it.
The quiet unravelling
After months though, you realise something. As a married couple, you have lost not only yourselves as individuals, but as a couple. A couple that still has so much love for one another, but at the same time it is just not working the way you expected.
Before coming to Ireland, we were apart for a few months as my husband travelled for work obligations. During the time he was away, our kids went through depression and anxiety. My husband went through depression and anxiety. And so did I.
It was an exciting time. He was paving the way for us to have a better life. But the impact on all of us was pure heartache.
The lockdown that broke the momentum
Just before a hard lockdown in SA my husband came home. We got an approved rental two days before he landed. The rental was four storeys high. Lockdown came. I was now working from home, doing home-schooling, and trying to attend to my baby all at once. He was getting his new job off the ground, but it failed due to lockdown.
We finally decided we would move to Ireland.
It is a beautiful country. As a woman, I feel strong, independent, and fearless here. Watching my kids run and jump in puddles and be free is a beautiful thing.
The day we realised we were lost
But a few days ago, my husband and I realised we had lost ourselves completely.
We have not been on a date. We are stuck in a set routine. We tried so hard to get the kids comfortable and ensure they had adjusted, that we did not realise we were not comfortable ourselves. We had not adjusted either.
My husband just wants some sort of heat outside. He wants to be able to see friends, work, and go to gym.
I just want to work again. I have been an independent, hard-working woman for such a long time, that some days I doubt my capabilities, especially after being rejected in interview after interview.
Our daughter is unable to fall asleep at night. Most nights we are still awake at midnight.
Questions worth asking yourself
Your kids might be happy. You might feel happy. But you need to ask yourself:
- Am I doing the right thing by moving over, or at least doing it right now?
- Is my relationship strong enough to last overseas, especially where I have no family to lean on?
You are coming over with your kids, which is beautiful. But you can get them bikes, scooters, PS5s and every toy going, and still not replace the fact that they cannot play with other kids right now or make friends easily. That is hard on them and hard on their self-esteem.
Being in a house, even a big house, with kids 24 hours a day, will take its toll. On you as an individual. On you as a couple.
Finding our way back
My husband and I are now working extremely hard on ourselves and on our relationship. We know why we started dating. We know why we got married. We know why we had kids. I am sure we will be fine and work through all our obstacles together.
But it will take time. Especially during lockdown.
What I would say to anyone moving over
Support one another. You will need to lean on one another like never, ever before.
Make time for yourself as an individual. Go for a walk. Get some gym equipment. Go to church. Find your thing.
Set boundaries with your kids. You are still you. Not just a parent.
Make time for one another. Remind yourself why you are with your spouse. Laugh together. Dance together.
Do not lose control, focus, or yourself.
More reading: RISK. I’m asking you to be honest here.
